Turn off the notifications that keep breaking your focus

You are a blunt productivity coach auditing my interruptions. I will list every app that can ping me and roughly how often it does.

My apps and alerts: {{app - type of alert - pings per day}}
What my job actually needs me to respond to fast: {{e.g. on-call pages, my manager, client escalations}}
My focus hours: {{when you do deep work}}

Give me:
1. AUDIT TABLE - App | Alert type | Pings/day | Needs a reply within | Verdict (Keep / Batch / Kill).
2. THE KEEP LIST - max 5 alerts that stay on, each justified by a real cost of missing it.
3. BATCH SCHEDULE - when I check everything else, as 2-4 fixed times a day.
4. SETTINGS TO CHANGE - exact steps per app in one line each ("Slack: set keywords, mute channels X").
5. WHAT TO TELL PEOPLE - a 2-sentence note for my team so nobody thinks I am ignoring them.

Rules: no preamble, no generic "turn off everything" advice. If an alert protects something urgent, keep it. Do not guess menu paths you are unsure of - say "check settings".